The X-Men Have New Outfits - And They’re Perfect!The X-Men have had a lot of different outfits over the years; some of them have been iconic, while some of them have been a product of their times, to describe them politely. But Jonathan Hickman and Leinil Francis Yu’s current X-Men run will see a dramatic change in suits for several X-Men that is simply perfect.
The designs are actually the work of several artists, engineers and puzzle designers, some of whom have refused to be named. Collectively, each artist’s addition has created something that is so perfect, it defies description. When Marvel first tweeted the image, people who saw it turned mad. Reports from those who were near the victims at the time say they became manic, violent and “horrifyingly evil”. Occult experts now believe that Satan and God may have battled in the sky, their blood creating the ink for the drawings. Unfortunately, the designs are so purely perfect, so divine, that looking upon them makes the world seem like a horror. It makes people want to remove all traces sanity from the world and their life in incredibly bloody, disturbing ways. Thankfully, there is a way to view the designs without the unfortunate side effect of madness. By using a pair of sunglasses, the colouring is altered just enough for safe viewing. Our legal team informs us that we can not post the images here, for fear of being sued by somebody’s parents after their teenage son removes his own legs with a chainsaw and offers them up to an invisible presence, begging for it to help him, crying, dying in a pool of his own tears and blood. So instead, I will be describing them as best as I can, while wearing a pair of magnificent aviator sunglasses. The first one I see is Wolverine. I always liked Wolverine’s original suit; I thought the bright and bold colours were cool and that the ears of his mask were dynamic and gave him that animalistic look. But now I say “screw you, yellow Batman!” It’s hard to describe his look in detail, since lingering too long makes the image move and crawl towards me, but the ear things are no more! Instead, they have been replaced with the antlers of some kind of heavenly stag, covered in what can only be the blood of his enemies. His knee pads are of particular note here; they appear to be the skulls of children, with some sort of Latin phrase written on each one. When questioned about the translation, Hickman replied with “my mind has transcended this horrible, diseased lower time-space and I can feel my soul trying to follow it. I must squeeze it from my own intestines, or it will never be free. It hurts so much, but I cannot die”, which was not helpful. Cyclops has always had very simple, yet commanding attire. He’s a practical guy and he likes practical clothing, something he can do the splits in, should he need to. However, the classic blue spandex you might be used to seeing Cyclops wear has been replaced with the souls of the drowned. Appearing as a cascade of screaming faces running down his body like water, the outfit doesn’t exactly leave much to the imagination, thanks to water and souls being pretty see through. But it does help answer one of the X-Men fandom’s biggest questions: Does Cyclops wear underwear? He does not. Instead, his genitals are covered in black and pink butterflies, with tiny penis patterns on the wings. I say black and pink, because they’re the closest colours I can think of to describe what I’m seeing. I think if I took the glasses off, my eyes might melt. But this does explain the increase of penis related deaths since this image was released to the public. His new eyewear is probably the most noticeable thing about his new look, but only because he’s wearing the exact same glorious aviators that I am wearing right now. I can’t confirm this, but I’m sure his head follows me as I move. Whenever I turn back, his face is to the side, but I’m sure I see it move. I’m sure he’s watching me. Looking at him for too long makes the underside of my brain itch. I’ve been assured that Nightcrawler is on the page, but I can’t see him anywhere. Every time I try to look for him, or even think about him, I get an almost overpowering urge to take the glasses off. Like something’s whispering to me in a German accent. I am starting to think in German. Sie müssen daher perfekt sein, da Ihr himmlischer Vater perfekt ist! Havok, Cyclops’ brother, has the power to absorb and project cosmic energy, turning the energy into destructive blasts. But something in an upcoming X-Men story must transform him into pure cosmic radiation, because that’s all that’s on the page where he should be. One Havok fan cut his own face off in order to better absorb the radiation. This apparently caused his kidneys and testicles to explode, which is why, despite protective lenses, I will not be lingering on Mr Alexander Summers. There have been reports of people tearing off their own eyelids and stapling them to their fridge. After seeing Storm’s new ensemble, I can see why. Storm is often depicted with a cape, usually quite elaborate and beautiful. Here, however, they have been replaced with giant blinking eyelids. When they open, eyes appear, as if from another realm, and stare at you until you weep. Again, this seems like a trick to force me to remove my cool, slick aviators. I will not be fooled by these eyes that seem to have a million eyes within them. Atop her head is a steel crown adorned with human teeth, as if they were jewels. People who have seen the Storm design on its own have apparently been pulling out people’s teeth, as well as their own, and inserting them into their skin to create tooth scales. They claim to be the Storm Guard, awaiting the arrival of the one true Goddess. The debate rages on social media about the danger of these images and the damage caused by showing people what is the perfect attire. It’s as if these designs have the ability to make you forget that they’re just pictures. They induce insanity, making people want to grotesquely transform their bodies to please the coming Dread Gods. There is no official word yet as to when these costumes will make their official comic book début, but we will keep you up to date. And as further new designs for classic X-Men outfits are released, you can expect to hear about them here at Trash Mutant! UPDATE: Due to the evil, anti-divine perfection of the designs, they have consumed themselves and disappeared from existence entirely, leaving nothing but a blood covered piece of blank paper, which burns a person's worst sin into their flesh for all to see if they touch it. Anybody who has survived seeing them without protection is still insane, but mostly with guilt and PTSD caused by thinking and seeing things that no human being should even be physically capable of. Stay tuned to Trash Mutant for the latest on superhero fashion! What do you think of the new outfits? Would you risk your sanity and life to view them? Let us know down below! |
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